


Waiting

by orphan_account



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M, Goodbyes, Love Letters, M/M, Memories, Not Really Character Death, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-01 12:02:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20814839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A letter from a woman who knew Merlin briefly as Ambrosius.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> To the best of my knowledge, Merlin never meant to be cruel to the women he met while waiting for Arthur's return. But like attracts like. Pain invites more pain. Nothing good can come of it.
> 
> English is my second language.

Ambrosius.

I know, I know. I should not do this. This is the last one, I promise.

I know you meant well. You did the best you could. You didn’t want to hurt me.

But loneliness is like poison, Ambrosius. It spreads. And while you may live to see the end of your solitude, I will not.

You will wait for him until he returns. I will wait for you until I die. That’s the difference.

I guess it would have been too much to ask that you remain in my life until he returns. I just needed a friend, Ambrosius. I needed you to be my friend. I still do. But I was a distraction, an unwanted piece in the game of waiting and you had more important things to focus on.

I wish I could say you were the first to decide that I was unnecessary, undesirable and unwanted.

I know it’s not really your fault. You were already heartbroken when we met and I was never meant to fix you.

But it really, really hurts that you weren’t meant to fix me.

You’re going to save the world one day and I’m just not going to be in it. I’m just not part of the world that deserves saving.

It’s okay, Ambrosius. You can’t save everyone. You have to save the important ones, those who matter.

I just wish I were that important, truly important to someone, for a little while. Not just a distraction. Not just another body in the night.

I was going to write "I love you", but I changed my mind. Someone like me can’t truly love. Someone like me just needs. Like a wild beast needs freedom and is therefore best left safely locked up.

Goodbye. I wish you well. I hope you find him soon. He’ll never know I even existed, but he doesn’t have to. Even without reading this, he’ll know he is the luckiest man under the sun.

And you deserve happiness. Both of you. Goodbye. I am done waiting.


	2. Chapter 2

"Eva! Eva, don’t!"

The moment he read the letter, he was already on his way.

_Sorry, Arthur. If you choose this particular moment to come back, you’ll have to do without me for a few hours. Let me be damned to your infernal ingratitude for all time if I let this woman die._

_Too many people have died because of me._

He found her already lying on the ground, skin bleached and bloated.

A flash of gold was all it took to bring her back from the brink of death. But to give her life, now that she had time to live it? How could he manage that?

"Eva, Eva. Wake up. You are not dead and you are not sick."

"Ambrosius. What did you do?"

"Nothing, as usual. But I should have done something a long time ago."

He could see it in her eyes – she would not be lured into talking. She was done with everything, including him.

"I’m sorry. No matter what you say, it’s my fault and- You don’t want to hear this."

"Tell me anyway. Now that I’m alive and can listen, and you’re finally ready to talk. Tell me anyway."

"You can’t die. People keep dying all around me. Everyone I meet, my first thought is that they will die and leave me behind. More alone than before."

"People die. You can’t help it. That’s the way it has to be."

Lightning struck. Thunder rolled. The years of struggling to forget gave way to the onrush of memories.

_"You’d rather be a servant?"_

_"Better to serve a good man than to rule with an evil one!"_

"I have made my choices, Eva. I alone of all people on this earth am immortal. You are not. But that is no excuse to give up on life."

"I am not giving up on life. I am giving up on pain, and neglect, and abandonment. That’s all there is – for me."

"It doesn’t have to be. It’s not meant to be."

"You have made your choices. Other people have made their choices, too. None of those decisions include me."

"Eva, Eva. What you need is the company of people whose decisions will include you."

"There are no such people."

"Have you met everyone? Every single person under the sun?"

"I am done meeting people, or persons, and then watching myself failing to meet their expectations."

"Eva-"

"Under the sun or moon, there are no such people. Or persons."

"Eva, look at me. Stay with me."

"Let me go. Ambrosius, I loved you better than I ever thought possible. I have done all that I was meant to do. Let me end this."

"I thought you said someone like you wasn’t capable of love."

"I did and I meant it. I’ve changed my mind. So what?"

"Then change your mind again."

She looked at him then, eyes grey and bland. He went on.

"Change your mind. Decide to live. So what?"

"It hurts too much."

"No, it doesn’t. What was lost in the past, belongs to the past. You miss it, and the pain of it belongs to the present. But it is just a reminder of things to come. The future is unknown to all of us, but each and every one has a destiny. I should know that, of all people. And I know for a fact that your destiny has not been fulfilled. You are not ready to die."

"And what if all my future holds is more pain?"

"Perhaps it is your destiny to change that."

He smiled to himself, a small, genuine smile, and she saw it. That was what she wanted. Genuine feelings, untamed emotion. Without lies and manipulation.

She decided to live because of that one fond smile of remembrance.

She wanted one of her own.


End file.
